I should have said it!!!
There are many times I have been put on the spot in a conversation? Someone at a gathering makes an insulting or an uneasy comment or your boss speaks down to you? In response, you either say the wrong thing, triggering an argument... or you say nothing at all and dwell on it the rest of the day. Then suddenly it comes to you -- I should have said... But of course, it’s too late to utter that perfect response that you think of now.
I’ve had many a situations like these and did my bit of innovation. Still I feel that I am not that well equipped with tools (so to say) for an effective comeback. What I want to have is a collection of comeback techniques that allows me to better handle a confrontation, take control of how people treat me in relationship or at work.
When a conversation grows tense or takes an unwanted turn, I often get overwhelmed by feelings and tend to fall into poor communication habits. I typically get defensive or lash out; this is most common reaction I find most of the time with me (Now) and with many others around me. Earlier there were days when I was facing words from strangers and I could not give them an apt reply just for a simple reason that I did not know them well for a discussion or an argument on that matter, actually strange I feel so now. I could have done much better than that but it is more than just dishing out mean one-liners. Yes effective comebacks are not just one-liners meant to put someone in his/her place but they must be strategic ways to help you keep your cool and let you achieve your goals without being derailed by a poorly considered response.
I use these to de-escalate tension in everyday conversations with family members, friends and colleagues...
Reframe the meaning of what the other person says. How we choose to define what goes on in a conversation greatly affects how it goes. Rephrase the other person’s words to make them more accurate. Communication happens so fast that people just say what pops into their heads with little consideration. They often make poor word choices that stoke conflict. The next time a person describes you or your actions negatively, revise what he said in a way that enables a more positive or favorable view to emerge.
One more thing is…not to re-act but to respond. Use nonverbal gestures when people make thoughtless remarks. It gives them the opportunity to reflect on their errors or misjudgments. I tried responding to the initial insult with a gesture that suggests confusion or curiosity rather than anger and indignation. Hold eye contact with him/her, and shake your head a bit as if hurt and puzzled. By pausing and not replying verbally to the initial insult, it creates a void in which the other person has to confront how unreasonable his/her words just were.
Ask for clarification. Many times we are too quick to infer negative intentions before determining if any were intended, especially if we’ve had tension with a person in the past. The past plays on so fast that it is almost not possible to think anything positive about that person in that moment. Trying to inculcate a habit to clarify on the words spoken and what the person actually means.
There are few more difficult situations I still fail to manage, like a sarcastic comment or a relentless grilling that you are being subjected to….I think it just more time and I will figure this out. It would be helpful if anyone of the readers can comment on these.
I’ve had many a situations like these and did my bit of innovation. Still I feel that I am not that well equipped with tools (so to say) for an effective comeback. What I want to have is a collection of comeback techniques that allows me to better handle a confrontation, take control of how people treat me in relationship or at work.
When a conversation grows tense or takes an unwanted turn, I often get overwhelmed by feelings and tend to fall into poor communication habits. I typically get defensive or lash out; this is most common reaction I find most of the time with me (Now) and with many others around me. Earlier there were days when I was facing words from strangers and I could not give them an apt reply just for a simple reason that I did not know them well for a discussion or an argument on that matter, actually strange I feel so now. I could have done much better than that but it is more than just dishing out mean one-liners. Yes effective comebacks are not just one-liners meant to put someone in his/her place but they must be strategic ways to help you keep your cool and let you achieve your goals without being derailed by a poorly considered response.
I use these to de-escalate tension in everyday conversations with family members, friends and colleagues...
Reframe the meaning of what the other person says. How we choose to define what goes on in a conversation greatly affects how it goes. Rephrase the other person’s words to make them more accurate. Communication happens so fast that people just say what pops into their heads with little consideration. They often make poor word choices that stoke conflict. The next time a person describes you or your actions negatively, revise what he said in a way that enables a more positive or favorable view to emerge.
One more thing is…not to re-act but to respond. Use nonverbal gestures when people make thoughtless remarks. It gives them the opportunity to reflect on their errors or misjudgments. I tried responding to the initial insult with a gesture that suggests confusion or curiosity rather than anger and indignation. Hold eye contact with him/her, and shake your head a bit as if hurt and puzzled. By pausing and not replying verbally to the initial insult, it creates a void in which the other person has to confront how unreasonable his/her words just were.
Ask for clarification. Many times we are too quick to infer negative intentions before determining if any were intended, especially if we’ve had tension with a person in the past. The past plays on so fast that it is almost not possible to think anything positive about that person in that moment. Trying to inculcate a habit to clarify on the words spoken and what the person actually means.
There are few more difficult situations I still fail to manage, like a sarcastic comment or a relentless grilling that you are being subjected to….I think it just more time and I will figure this out. It would be helpful if anyone of the readers can comment on these.
Guess this is same with each and every human being on earth.At some point each one of us face this situation.Some of us re-act,some of us respond and some only re-act. Never seen a person respond always :).
ReplyDeleteIts a learning experience day in and day out and as you very well know me i use to come under re-act group.Learning to respond offlate :).But still feel its all the in the spur of the moment.It is in our hands to choose to re-act or respond which comes slowly by coming to peace with innerself and positive energy inside.Look whos talking :P ........well easy to say this but at times not that easy to apply.Yet not IMPOSSIBLE.Its a never ending theory and practice !!
Thanks Siri..Yes it is a learning experience..you won't believe this post took me more than 3 months, as i kept on adding and deleting stuff i wanted to write about (with examples). It was going quite long and i deleted examples and tried put in some more effective content (feel so.. :) ).
ReplyDelete